ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
This is enough internet for the day.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.