a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.