The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.