HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.