DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
me, too, girl. me, too.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel