I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car