Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
They’re the worst 😩
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.