I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.