i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
sigh
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*ernest hemingway voice*
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.