Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian