my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
paddle faster i hear baby shark