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Today’s Times
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL