[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
You Might Also Like
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
What the hell is going on?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser