I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Beards are a privilege, not a right