vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You Might Also Like
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Pringles
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one