My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.