As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Doctors texting each other.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it