Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
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Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Pringles
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
asking santa clause for nudes
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack