Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.