“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you鈥檙e gonna have to wait
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i鈥檓 not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I don鈥檛 get vegetables on my pizza because I don鈥檛 like mixing business with pleasure
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 馃槀馃槀馃槀
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80