There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…