[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“We will wed,” I threatened
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?