Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
🤣😂
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.