I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
You Might Also Like
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Worst bar ever.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
im 7 sauces long
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring