I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
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A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.