80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick