I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach