Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions