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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.