me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Yoga Matt
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
c’mon!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.