There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: