My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.