I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor