Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.