Finally!
You Might Also Like
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen