People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I have obtained a hat
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.