I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?