Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
TODAY
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
😂😂
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood