them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.