If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.