Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.