If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
You Might Also Like
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward