I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Check out the legs on this baby
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
What about a To-Don’t List?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
necessity is the mother of invention
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny