Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”