My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*