with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]