why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’d hang this in my house.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend