How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
A man of commitment.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?