The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave