Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
A bold strategy
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You better watch out
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now